Entries for August, 2005

haiku #16,17

August 1, 2005, 01:11 AM by ree

break another piece
shave off every bit of me
till there's nothing left

start with emotions
wear away anger and pain
leave me not one laugh

Listening to: All-American Rejects - Swing, Swing
Feeling: blank

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breaking

August 1, 2005, 02:02 AM by ree

I tried to check my school email to see if I got into the classes I wanted. The school email was down, as was its main site (hosted on an entirely different server).

I tried to backup my files so I could wipe my hard drive and start over with a clean slate. The CD burner's busted and a lot of my crap won't fit on floppies (what does anymore?).

I tried to stop form spammers from using up all my site's bandwidth for the month. Came close -- my site got shut down for overuse half past noon on the 31st.

I tried to purchase additional bandwidth for the month so my hosting account wouldn't be suspended. I could not because my host's entire site is down, including their upgrade system and support forum.

At the email part, I just got confused and found something else to do. By the time I discovered my webhost was down, I had begun assembling a list of various sordid acts I would commit for all the vodka-and-Cokes I could handle, which had damn well better be enought to let me stop caring about my woes for a short while. I don't often drink, but I don't often get 8 different critical website problems within 48 hours, either. Okay, not all critical, but at least half involve my continuing education and answers to "what are you going to do with your life?" and I call that bloody important.

My stomach hurts. I hate this.

Listening to: Sleater-Kinney - Words And Guitar
Feeling: stressed

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haiku #18,19

August 2, 2005, 11:30 PM by ree

blade of deep green grass
fragile but resilient
let me be like you

orange mac 'n' cheese
orange kool-aid in a glass
but my teeth are blue

(?! ... .)

Listening to: Ramones - Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment
Watching: The Daily Show
Feeling: crazy

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reg me, baby

August 2, 2005, 11:38 PM by ree

My email is "the bursting" today. I'm now enrolled in all three classes, which I didn't expect. I'll probably withdraw from psych -- it's not really my thing and I only signed up in case my other classes didn't pan out.

Yeah, don't worry, nobody else gets my weird jokes either. I think half of them rely on intonation, which doesn't really exist online, so I just sound dumb. Oh well. Makes my knowledge of words like "callipygian" more impressive, maybe. I do love that word. Heeee.

Feeling: grateful

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haiku #20,21

August 4, 2005, 09:33 AM by ree

morning fog rolls in
disguises a hill of weeds
makes it look lovely

"error: site not found"
despite this, my web hosting
wants to charge me more?!

Feeling: weird

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f'nark

August 4, 2005, 12:42 PM by ree

Dude. There are people outside Pro who use "f'nark." Cool.

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haiku #22

August 5, 2005, 06:29 AM by ree

grab another brick
position it precisely
someday we'll be done

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contact lens

August 5, 2005, 07:07 AM by ree

My left contact is driving me batty. I am a giving sort of person. Therefore, share my pain!

(The things I do when my concentration is too borked for real effort. Oi.)

Feeling: uncomfortable

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haiku #23

August 6, 2005, 02:10 PM by ree

Clarity of sight
Bliss of a crisp horizon
I love new contacts

Feeling: good

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a copyright idea

August 7, 2005, 02:27 PM by ree

How do I protect my idea?


Copyright does not protect ideas, concepts, systems, or methods of doing something. You may express your ideas in writing or drawings and claim copyright in your description, but be aware that copyright will not protect the idea itself as revealed in your written or artistic work.


Thought so. (quote found at Neil's, from the U.S. copyright office FAQ)

Feeling: satisfied

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haiku #24

August 7, 2005, 02:31 PM by ree

two dozen haiku
it doesn't seem so many
one small piece each day

Feeling: pleased

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Sea of Insanity

August 7, 2005, 02:52 PM by ree

The Greek pantheon returns! Man, I have missed Calliope. She's fracking nuts but she had great hair. *g*

Feeling: giddy

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"haiku" #25

August 8, 2005, 12:06 PM by ree

Bless my eyes so I may see
Joyous life surrounding me.
Bless my ears so I may hear
Friendship that I hold so dear.

Bless my hands that I may make
A little more than what I take.
Bless my voice that I may sing
Raucous praises to my king.

Bless my skin and let me feel
Nothing less than what is real.
Bless my feet and let me go
Past the places that I know.

Listening to: Lion King - Lea Halalela
Feeling: pensive

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mixing meds

August 10, 2005, 11:00 AM by ree

Memo to self: As much as it sucks to have a cold while in the throes of pain and fatigue, these should not be medicated simultaneously. Cold meds + painkiller + caffeine = wheeeeeeeeeee, spinny spinny, hehehehe!

Oh, I'm fine. I keep admiring the colors on the screen and suddenly ten minutes have passed, but I feel groooooovy.

I need to take a nap. Or a walk. Or something.

Feeling: weird

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haiku #26,27

August 10, 2005, 03:56 PM by ree

Maybe I should go
Free your heart from all my weight
Let you save yourself

Maybe I should stay
Bind myself to your high hopes
Soar away with you

Feeling: groggy

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"haiku" #28

August 11, 2005, 01:34 PM by ree

(I like wiggy rhyme patterns.)

Is it okay if I'm away
And daren't stay there long?
Will friendship fade till what we've made
Is flensed and flayed along?

When I must go, will you say No
Or never show me fear?
I must abide myself inside
Instead of hiding here.

Reading: RP OOC
Feeling: pensive

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Egypt-y things

August 11, 2005, 01:55 PM by ree

Whoa. I was idly reading online, Googling some stuff, and I rather stupidly ended up poring over ancient Egypt stuff.

The stupid hurts my brain. Too many 12-year-olds whose only references are $8 copies of Budge, perkily claiming that Pasht is a valid Egyptian goddess (she's not -- there aren't even standard glyphs for the name, and that is because the name is an aberration, a typo in modern parlance) and GAH. For some reason, errors in Egyptology particularly grate on me.

I could rant on this crap for at least a solid hour, two or three if permitted a tangent on those godawful online generators for "Your Name In Hieroglyphs!" Ugh.

Anyway.

Listening to: Nightwish - Gethsemane
Feeling: annoyed

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haiku #29

August 12, 2005, 12:42 PM by ree

bare me to the bone
strip away humanity
reveal naked fear

Feeling: nervous

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victory

August 14, 2005, 04:48 PM by ree

Hehehehehehe. Neri has a last name, Moonburnt's front page now matches the user-selected theme for the forum itself, and I am feeling excellently cool. Hee. Wait, there was more, I know there -- ah! Moonburnt also has shibby special Twine linking code working again. 'Cause I was bored, that's why. It's also really handy, but in all honesty? Yeah. Bored. Me make projects when bored.

Now if I can just swing The Biggie, the database mod stuff, that would be golden. Bonus for not, y'know, breaking everyfrackingthing in the process. I should take bets on this: will I break it during the mod, or not, or will I never get off my padded bum in the first place?

Moonburnt's logo looks like crap in light themes. I suppose I'll have to CSS it and create a matching logo image for each theme. Le sigh. Or I can pretend I never noticed. I like that one.

I'm pretending just for today that one roleplay area doesn't exist. One of the stories there has been playing havoc with my head. It scrapes a lot of raw nerves in me, to the point of sobbing myself to sleep last night. Yeah. So I'm not reading that story anymore but it's still in my head, still not letting me go, taunting me with all the similarities to a grande-sized hurt in my life.

I'll be good if I can just get myself to read other stories on the same site. Yeah. That'd be shibby. Any day now. Sure.

Must poetify now.

And I snigger at myself every time I hear Nightwish's Elvenpath, because I keep mishearing the same line was "healer of the Illinsaad." Um. It's really "ill and sad" but try telling my ears that.

Listening to: Nightwish - Elvenpath
Feeling: listless

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haiku #30,31,32

August 14, 2005, 11:55 PM by ree

tell me who I am
fill in all my history
make it true for us

Ev'ry day I bleed
I lessen with ev'ry drop
Losing who I am

Secrets come to light
Private places known to all
Frustrating mistake

Feeling: stressed

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August 14, 2005, 11:57 PM by ree

Ha. That'll teach me to leave autolinks enabled. *runs away and hides under her bed*

Listening to: Queen - We Are The Champions
Watching: John Carpenter's Vampires
Feeling: embarrassed

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memage

August 16, 2005, 05:49 AM by ree

Behold as I dost spam thou with much memage, yo! *giggles*

I have been swiping of meme from a Zvan and a Foxxy and co. (Yay meme!)

Feeling: silly

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haiku #33

August 16, 2005, 06:13 AM by ree

acid rots my gut
innards knit themselves in knots
fuck anxiety

Listening to: Ramones - Somebody Put Something In My Drink
Feeling: sick

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behind

August 18, 2005, 02:15 PM by ree

(Mine's nice... I'll be good. Eventually.)

Family coming for the weekend. Ever vacuumed an entire floor, multiple rooms, while in a ferocious hurry and a giant mess? I had to shove the couch aside and tackle the lint monster that had set up its lair below the furniture.

Anyway. My mom has ordered me to behave and spend enough time offline that I don't look computer addicted and other things that are just not possible for me. Bah. She's not around to know if I wear my beer shirt or anything, though I would have to change before supper since we're doing a big ugly family thing then.

When did my website start taking 30 seconds to load a page with a single modestly sized logo? Gah. Wretched buggery. *kicks it*

I owe some back haiku. Ugh. And my own dinky site is never going to get anywhere if I keep visiting other, bigger, fancier sites so that I get all discouraged and vexed.

Mehhhhhh!

On the up side, mine has the best RSS options I've seen yet. Woot. Sort by new topics, sort by new posts, view only certain forums, view everything but certain forums, limit to N most recent posts.... *glomps her website* I am in love with this software. *blows a kiss*

I think this is the kind of behaviour my mom tried to warn me off of. Um... *runs away*

Will be busy and sharing of computer room until Saturday night at least, maybe Sunday night, and going through major withdrawal all the while.

Listening to: www.Girl - Toy-Box
Watching: Arak playing Eternal Darkness
Feeling: restless

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running

August 19, 2005, 02:19 PM by ree

Makin' this quick so nobody shoots me:

Me: WOO!
Arak & Squirt: What?
Me: *bouncing hyperactively* Something I use online implemented a new thing I thought would be a really good idea and I can totally use this WOO!
Arak: You are now the snail from Robot Chicken.
Me: Shaddup. ... WOO!

On second thought, shoot me.

I was thisclose to whupping my character Jaina because I spent a week completely blanking on her next move. I would think on it three times or more each day and devise nothing. I posted there today, but if it takes me this much effort everything, Red is going the hell home because a week per every post from me isn't fair to anyone. Stupid Jainapost.

Must go tabletop now or my GM will kill off Poltergeist, who's only two sessions old anyway.

Listening to: Cranberries
Feeling: rushed

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zzz

August 20, 2005, 06:30 PM by ree

I couldn't sleep last night until 5. Five in the fracking morning.

So of course today my cousin stops by, knocks, doesn't wait for a reply and just waltzes into my room, and then his mom does the same thing and starts critiquing my reading material (I could tell her a specific detail about the author that would make auntie's head spin, bwahahaha, but I didn't bring that up)...

So tired. So sick of relatives. I'd say I wanna go home but I am home -- it's just that everybody else is at my home too.

One week, Ree. One week and they're gone, and Squirt's gone, and then you're going to miss them. Eventually. Maybe.

Watching: Teen Titans (...)
Feeling: drained

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haiku #34,35

August 22, 2005, 04:05 AM by ree

energy flees fast
fearful I may pursue it
though I cannot move

past running on fumes
my brain sputters off to die
mindlessly I roam

(More later. Tired like whoa now.)

Listening to: absolutely nothing...
Feeling: drained

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"haiku" #36

August 25, 2005, 04:58 AM by ree

I love the grace of elven word
And burn of dwarven ale.
The pixie wings whisper of things
Beyond my mortal pale.

The siren's song shall ever tempt
And ogre bellows shake.
The vampire's kiss you must resist,
That thirst you mustn't slake.

The magic strong of tales prolong
My human life of grey.
So I impart with all my heart
This fantasy today.

(This is clearly a whole poem, but I'm going to call it three in my mind because otherwise I'm a week behind. Blasted family coming and borrowing my computer time, eh?)

Listening to: Aqua - Doctor Jones (his professional name!)
Feeling: nostalgic

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haiku #37

August 26, 2005, 07:26 AM by ree

dawn walks on soft feet
quietly arrives and smiles
gently greets the world

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lunatic preacher man

August 28, 2005, 12:11 PM by ree

Went to church with some family folk today. The preacher went on the most absurd tangents I have ever heard in my life (and I spent last night looking up the Principia Discordia). He brought up the six-fingered man from The Princess Bride and completely failed to connect it to anything else in his sermon in any way. Beowulf was mentioned with similar absence of meaning. Then he went for 100% deviation from his subject (allegedly the adultress and "Go and sin no more," not that this could be discerned from hearing him yammer on) and went back to his favourite topic: dinosaurs in the Bible. Nevermind that the passage he says "proves" dinosaurs co-existed with humans has a footnote in every pew Bible in the church saying that the behomoth is probably a hippo.

And then he said that the Big Bang never happened, but it's going to happen, just as the end of the world instead of the beginning... and that oxygen has, and I quote, "magic healing powers"... and that his planet (because it clearly isn't Planet Earth) used to have a magic ice shield around it but it got shattered at the time of the Flood. He did not provide any evidence to support this, other than the long lifespans listed in Genesis for early men.

Grandpa said afterward that the preacher included more science than the old man could understand. For the love of all things sane, Gramps, I pray that you were joking. If that was science then I am a black Scottish midget doing the hula.

I think I'm going to run away and become a Discordian. Next to this whack job, Eris and her devotees seem perfectly practical and eloquent in their defense of their beliefs.

Feeling: embarrassed for my faith

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@#$%!

August 29, 2005, 02:05 PM by ree

I'm going batshit insane. My online classes began today and I have all the wrong books. I have a book that cost a hundred bucks that isn't used for class after all and I'm lacking a book I require for another class. Even though I motherfucking triple-checked the books list. I wanted to be damn sure I had the right books -- and some of my classmates have the same books I do, meaning that I read everything correctly and somebody else fucked up.

But is that hazy somebody going to pay for this? Hell no, that would actually be fair or something. No, I have to beg my teacher to let me do the entire unit late since I can't do the reading for it, blowing my one grace period of the semester on the first day of class, even though this was not within my ability to prevent. I did my best and it's still not good enough, and nobody cares that can do anything to make it better.

See, this is what happened last time I tried classes, except then I hadn't ordered my books far enough in advance so they were just late. By the time they arrived I was too far behind to catch up. In a word: fucked sideways. Which is two words, but if school doesn't have to play fair, then I damn well will break some rules on my personal blog, okay.

I screwed up before, so I made extra certain that I had everything in order this time and it still isn't good enough. Damn it.

If you think that sounds maddening, try it with an anxiety disorder. I am at least one-quarter of the way to lunacy and rapidly advancing on the remainder.

Normally I am very welcoming of emails reminding me to check in at roleplay boards, but if anybody (except Sesha and others to whom I have given personal nicknames) tries that today, I'm replying with a forcibly calm "I'm busy" and a link to this entry. I'll probably wander around and try to catch up, but I just can't concentrate on jack right now, and if I could I should pore over the single correct textbook I possess.

One right book. Fucking hell.

Reading: @#$%^&(*$(*....
Feeling: pissed off

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gay++

August 30, 2005, 10:46 AM by ree

Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

-- (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)



It is little giggles like this that keep me from damaging the people that piss me off.

*sigh* Back to the textbook. I only got a paragraph past ancient Egypt and promptly decided that non-Egypt is boring, but so it must be, for few empires are as zarking cool as Egypt, and the dull make the shiny look even better by comparison.

Stupid Sumeria.

P.S. I will catch up on the boards sometime before 2006, maybe. This is just a really bad week for me and it's only Tuesday, for fucking out loud. Ugh.

Reading: zzzzzz
Feeling: bored

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haiku hiatus

August 30, 2005, 10:49 AM by ree

The haiku project is on hold until my classes stop kicking my ass. I intend to continue posting my poetry when I am able, but my schoolwork has to be my priority -- it's too expensive not to be. Thanks.

Feeling: restless

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Eeeeeeeegypt

August 31, 2005, 09:51 AM by ree

Another break from my reading, so here I am. Mutt poked gentle fun at me the other day, laughing at what I called applied world history: I was using the timeline in my textbook to narrow down the point out which a roleplay character of mine, a native ancient Egyptian, left the land of her birth and began to roam other empires. I'll be following her through later chapters too. Hey, at least it means I'm paying close attention to the dates.

And I think I missed a question on the quiz except that I totally did not. I don't care what the book says, the proper spelling is "ma'at" -- the apostrophe signals a glottal stop in transliterated ancient Egyptian, and I will fight the instructor on this if he pushes it. I will scan the appropriate pages from my hieroglyphics reference and... er, completely spazz out. Heh. Yeah, I take Egypt just a weeeee bit seriously. *blush*

I have discovered that if I carefully read the outline to the Powerpoint presentation, the slideshow itself is redundant text with awesome pictures. Too cool. There was this one shot of a Abu Simbel colossus that just -- ooooooooh.

That's enough break time for now. Maybe more later.

Reading: not-Egypt, alas
Feeling: bouncy

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